On Aging, Cougars/Manthers, Girls v. Women and, most importantly, Time…the Universal equalizer..
Coming from someone who has always looked at least a decade younger then she is, and from a long time of family members who all look nothing near their age; to me, Fear of Aging has always been a bit like getting breast implants.
Let me explain… in High School (now 20 years away) I used to be a bigger girl, mostly adolescent puppy fat mixed with being raised by a father who thought Kraft mac and cheese was a food group. I had a buxom, gloooorious (I should have enjoyed that more) C cup, borderline D. Now on a good day (no thanks to you, yoga and eating right!) I’m sadly a B, (I just deleted the “large”…that would be wishful thinking). The push up, a term that was a foe in gym class, is now my BFF.
The point is, when I was younger I could never understand boob jobs. I thought they were an abomination. Post deflation, my opinion differs slightly now. Not that I would get them, as my stance even then, was from a moral / social / feminist standpoint from the start. My theory roughly is women would only want them to please a male dominated society where current trends point to larger, fake boobs being a sexual ideal. But in times where being rubenesque was the fashion, women were fatter to please men. In times of heroin chic, girls starved themselves and didn’t comb their hair. In times of Victoriana, women cinched waists so tight they caused extreme internal damage…So even in my teens, I was over this whole fandango. However, once it’s something that can be very real to your life, like when your tits go down two sizes, your opinion can change radically…just like someone who was anti capital punishment until some hobo rapes and kills their 13 yr old daughter, and then goes mental and hunts said dude down and executes him. As we all know, personal relativity can be a huge defining factor of how we view things, and our opinions.
Getting back to Age…it has come to the point where I worry that maybe one day, like The Picture of Dorian Gray, I’ll wake up looking like a pug. 10 years of wrinkles and gray hairs come to get me in the night in one fell swoop! And so one starts to think…Is Age really just a number? Even I, who is privileged in terms of the aging process, part of societies ideal, aware of the unhealthy obsession with youth and vanity and the superficial, the plastic… if even I can start to feel the slightest anxiety about not having this “gift” one day…then it surely must be an issue we all need to explore head on.
My first indication that Age may be something very much more than a number is the fact that the person who is quoted saying that was shagging R Kelly, a 37 year old man who was subsequently charged with sex with a minor/peeing on a 14 year old girl. So citing them as part of our defense probably won’t bode well for a positive outcome. Firstly..
Secondly, no dialogue on Aging and Women can even begin without addressing this whole dating outside your age / “Cougars” thing, first stop, Sex in the City. Samantha Jones, the 40-50 something horndog character, regaled to a generation of women around the same age, that they could have sex with (yes) or a working relationship (eeh) with much younger men. I have seen, in my social circle alone, especially in the US where this is rampant, women heeding the call of Ms Jones’s sexual prowess, but somehow leaving out the fact that she was A) A very successful, self made, business woman in the show, and that B) it was the financial freedom, as well as her C) not wanting a family, that made her cougarness viable in the first place. The women I see copying her, fail to realise or face the fact that they are working dead end or clerical/ service industry mediocre jobs, with no qualifications, spending money they don’t have on boys that can’t give them what they say they want, whilst harping about how they want to “settle down and have a family” one day (One day when? When you’re 50??) and “wouldn’t *said 24 year old* be a great father”, when it’s clear 24 yr old is thinking beer bongs, not baby making, unless the baby can use said bong so that they can video it and “go viral”, with a dubstep backing track.
It strikes me that these ladies always miss the point entirely. And how convenient…as most seem to be more concerned with not growing up themselves, hence requiring a boy to match their immaturity level as an older man may make glaringly obvious their own inadequacies as an adult, which is something Samantha Jones was not. She was all Woman. She made the choices, she came (literally, a lot…), she saw, she conquered, and she could, and would, also leave and move on to the next, very easily. She was in charge. You cannot really be a child and a cougar at the same time, it seems a contradiction in terms.
I could never really understand the attraction between women in the 30s and 40s (and more) and men under 30. However I have tried to see the other side of the coin, and come up with some supposed reasons in the defense of this.
- There is overpopulation, and god knows some of these women should not procreate, and some of these guys need mothering, and as the women probably won’t have children, maybe that can work. Just because people can procreate doesn’t mean everyone should. So this point is for helping society and giving all parties really what they want. *Albeit until the guy grows up, or the woman grows “old” (and not in a hot Demi Moore cougar way)
- Many men of my generation (in the 30s and even 40s) are, bafflingly, very immature…more than I think in past generations…so what’s the difference between a 36 year old living in a studio, selling weed to make a living, with no degree, no prospects other then hustling, can’t cook for self, not very clean, never has money, watches crap TV all day, and a 24 year old, really? You may as well date a 24 year old as, at least, there is some possibility he may grow up. There’s little hope for the 36 year old. And 24 will have more stamina.. if ya know what Ahm sayin Ladies wink wink nod nod (note to self, invest in ear plugs to drown out their retarded child remarks so you actually get horny enough to get into bed with them)… and I guess some really good sexin’ can at put off addressing the rest of the inadequacies for a little while. So this point is, if the others suck already, may as well get one that shags you better and could, possibly, fingers and toes crossed, grow out of it (hopefully though, not the shagging bit).
- Younger men seem more committal…which is odd as most men over 30 who are not already in committed relationships, yet don’t want to commit, seem to not realise that, at least smart women, are petrified to commit to them as they know something is wrong with them to not have been snapped up already. Or they are total commitment phobes and you could be Grace Kelly for all that matters and they have monogamy issues or something. But most men with anything going for them do want to settle down around the 30’s and are willing to compromise, more then a woman with something going for her, who may be a bit more discriminatory, as she has worked bloody hard and isn’t compromising now, if she didn’t then, before she had more confidence, more to offer, better sense of self, and probably a sexual drive and lingerie collection to match all aforementioned. So this one is about lack of commitment from older guys who, going back to point above, don’t want to grow up. Younger guys usually are trying to prove their maturity, where older guys are trying to prove they still “got it” usually through immaturity (which they think is being “fun loving”. It really is not.)
- Younger guys seem more romantic…but downside is they are also more changeable. They can’t understand “undying love”, they are only 24, they probably can’t even spell it. So it’s just words, something young girls flutter and drop drawers immediately for, whereas older women don’t give two tosses so much what you say, versus what you actually do. So when they do profess their undying love the third day of post coitus, it’s all empty sentiment (mixed with orgasmic euphoria, and the fact you let them “put it there”). Let’s not get it twisted. They have not gone through enough dating to know you are a better catch then any other chick that gives them a blowjob on the fly without major strings attached (like a younger girl). Or actually seems to enjoy it. They love older women being more in touch with their bodies, they love the lack of anxiety most older women have, and the mindset that they offer, more then just the flesh and the transience of youth and youth fads…They aren’t part of a clique as much. They do not bring every personal issue you may have to the “Supreme Court of BFF’s” so that there are 5 people in your relationship at most times. Older women also do not depend on you to make their life complete, or to “save” them. This really is all pro’s for younger guys. Are we all that surprised that younger guys like older women? Why wouldn’t they nowadays? But for women on this one, I guess romance and the guys not feeling so in competition with you is a plus. The problem is that, the more successful women get, if their partner is their age and not as successful, problems definitely start to bubble up. Yet you cannot afford to not be successful, and why should you just because he isn’t, and someone has to pay rent, bills, while he plays Madden and worships the alter of Two and a Half Men full time (if he watches the Ashton ones…dump him immediately…what are you, a masochist? Do you need salt rubbed in the wounds?). Younger guys don’t have this problem as a 24 yr old doesn’t have the social or ego expectations, in a real sense, not wannabe sense, that a 34 yr old would have…so that makes everyone “know their place”, in a time and era where I think men and women have difficulty “knowing their places” anymore. This point is for, I guess, kinda long shot, but making it easier to navigate perhaps social gender changes in modern society, and women feeling romanced and “woo’d” whilst being able to be ”All that they can be”. And moreso, appreciated for it.
Now while I don’t believe in looking for others to make you complete, ever, I think it’s nice to be able to learn something from your man, look up to him, respect him, listen to him, and yes, sometimes, even in theoretical and romanticized terms, be “saved” by him. I would imagine most men like to feel like the stronger partner, the saviour, the knight in armour…and when/if a man doesn’t want to feel that…he wants a mother…and he is most likely very egotistical, selfish, spoiled, needy, and with a tendency for feeling self entitled. I don’t know, I would say that could be cute to start, but personally, that has never been cute to me, and maybe it’s only to women who “need to feel needed”…and there are many many maaany of those, again especially in the US, far more then in any other country I have been in. Certainly more then in the UK (where I lived for over a decade) where that doesn’t seem to go down too well, despite being a “nanny state”. And try that in Germany, yikes, I shudder to think how it would be met by a German frau.
It’s like the difference between my American flatmate who is 42, looks great for her age, a bartender and dates younger men pretty much exclusively, and my British bestie, who is 35, gorgeous, (and I mean movie star gorgeous), capable, has a daughter in a Hogwart’s style school on a full scholarship, is a single parent, is in the process of getting her masters degree in social work, and is also “seeing” a 24 year old, who, mind you, works as a journalist for The Guardian (so he’s no intellectual slouch). My American mate’s 24 year old was called Chaz (I think that says it all, I should change the name but it sums it up too well, and the chances of this getting back to him are slight, unless it’s posted on the back of a protein shake) was a bouncer for the restaurant she worked at and wanted to be an Ultimate Fighting Champion…lived in a basement of a friends house for 100 dollars a month. US Flatmate was distraught when Chaz left her, a few months after moving in our apartment, probably realising he would have to start paying “adult prices” for his life, and broke up with her via note, like he was in high school, giving no opportunity to even discuss at any point thereafter, even though there was no real major bust up. Flatmate is still a wreck for absolutely no reason in my opinion. She even said the sex was awful, which was one of only plus points I could have given the whole situation. So I think she falls into the needing to be needed category.
Whereas, in contrast, after almost a year and half, of living together, living together, my dear Brit still refuses to really integrate into his life, whilst making it clear he must integrate into hers. As well as refusing to hang out or go clubbing with a “bunch of bloody 20 year olds, what do I have in common with them!? I already did that…pfft”, and is very open with him, almost too open, telling him repeatedly that he is there to help out, be good in bed, and pay part of the rent. She says he is amazing in bed. But she is still pained to call him her “boyfriend”…as she always questions the big picture…”but really, where is this going?”
And there we go, the million dollar or pound sterling question…where exactly is it going?
I think if you are going to date so wildly out of your age group…that is a question you need to approach and define at the start…as unromantic as it is… and let’s face it, if the younger party cannot be mature enough to understand the necessity of this question, then that pretty much gives you your answer on where this is going, right?
Now if you plan to not have children, are just looking for some fun, then it’s fine I guess, go ker-azy in the crèche, but again, the older party could be much more accepting of this in reality, then the youthful counterpart, who may say its all about sex etc, but not knowing themselves well enough, and being usually more agreeable to what sounds like a good idea at the time (especially as he probably didn’t hear a word you said after you said “sex”), may get very attached, very easily, very quickly, leaving the older party to be the leader of the relationship, and be very in tune and empathic to the feelings, recognized or not, of the younger party, even if they don’t know what and why and how they are feeling. Just writing that sentence alone does my head in, so I don’t know who can have the psychic patience for that and not be insane or desperate to start with. Hello?! Relationships without that are hard enough! Then it’s a bit like being a psychiatrist or psychologist who has totally crossed the doctor / patient line of appropriateness (okay, that just brought it slightly back to being hot…if you dress up). It also makes it harder for you to have a full on lovers tiff where you’re allowed to be totally unreasonable, which should be a right, at least sporadically, for every person in every relationship. Who alwaaays, alwaaays wants to be the bigger person?? I know from being one, certainly not Women. We need to fight dirty and use manipulation at times, and then with young guys, it’s just not fair…like shooting fish in a barrel, and simply mean.
So a lot of it is all about Time…
Time is the certainty in everyone’s life all over the World. It’s one of the only Universals that marketing companies, Corporations, Religion, Governments, et al can use against us for means of socio-psychological control. And it ties in neatly with unhappiness, another huge factor in socio-psycho control. Keep people unhappy through worrying about their mortality, including looks, future, death…team that with constant imagery through mass media that the only thing that matters is Youth (it’s no surprise Vampires have been a media sensation in the last few years…mirroring the socio-psycho mind set of most western, middle class, “economically stable”, consumerist, capitalist societies to “never grow old”). Youth is also something people spend a remarkably fleeting amount of time in, faced with the almost unending schlep towards old age. You can spend 10 years in it tops, and the next 40 yearning, clawing and scratching to either never leave or get back to it. And Presto! With this, you can sell the mass discontent anything from rat poison injections to placenta creams. People will do anything to keep time from taking them, and to still feel “relevant”.
Fascination with time is not only a modern, consumerist phenomena. It’s obvious through much documentation that all civilizations were almost obsessed with the passing of time, cycles, ages, etc. A prime example is the approaching Mayan prophecy of 2012 (something that has come to represent a total shift of everything, and at the same time, absolutely nothing, and no one quite knows which). Though in antiquity, it seems to have been more to chart the cosmos, maybe for prayer and to worship the giver of all life, the Sun, versus to obsess about wrinkles and how to eradicate them. Time has almost been that monkey on the back of humanity…our cross to bear…on one hand, sucking the life from us with every minute, hour, day, and on the other hand, what essentially sets us apart from other animals and makes us Human to begin with. Our awareness of our humanity, our essence, our soul, our mortality, can be boiled down in very fundamental terms to….TIME.
Are cougars and their male counterparts…(that’s it! right here and now I am going to find a word for this!!! Ummmm Cougars for women aaand for older men who are biased to only date younger girls…Jackal or, hey it’s funny, “Manther”, hahah oh the gems from Google)..but are these types really interested in younger models for looks or sex,(some Manthers can’t even sex that easily or often anyways!) or is it, as I suspect, more about the fact they usually have little to offer anyone their own age due to their own compulsive unwillingness to mature themselves? And I mean maturity in spirit, in soul, to have a level of contentment with themselves and their own mortality? Many of the C’s and M’s (let’s abbreviate now) that I know or see, the only people who would date them in the first place, and let some ridiculous behaviours slide, are immature, socially and sexually inexperienced, spiritually green, easily malleable, low expectation having (like Chris Rock would say), yewts. The guys I know in particular who date young girls, are the same guys that only a young girl who works at Starbucks or a local hairdresser would give the time of day to. And same with the 42 year old bartending woman who solely dates guys of a median age of 25, because a man with something going for him at 45 who has worked hard, and been focused and driven, doesn’t really have time for a wo-child. Are both these types not so much concerned about dating younger, but simply being younger? And like vampires, the only way to hold onto the youth is to literally “hold onto the youth”? And isn’t that utterly futile?
Watching Madonna cavort…and bless… the feminist in me agrees that women should be able to be sexy and sexual and do what they want (though picking, again, a hugely successful pop star, director (I almost laugh but we have to put it in), mother of three, who has clearly paid her dues to the bank of adulthood, discipline, hard work, and focus, is not exactly the status quo for other women to only pick out her sexual proclivities to copy and comment upon, rather then her other achievements), it’s just, you know…what happened to women being women, and not always wanting to be girls? When did it become sexier to be a girl, than a woman? And to whom? Why? Is it the media or is it us? Do we not want to grow up? Even music where women sing in baby voices (I’m sorry Lykki Li, I do adore you), is generally heralded more and accepted then women singing like women… even when they are, clearly, women. Cat Powers makes me happy.
So I believe in embracing my Womanhood, it wields far more power then being a girl ever could or will. And real Women know this. Actually… Men, Church, and State know this too, or the years of legislation excluding women from property, rights, the Inquisition, the making dirty and sordid of the female form/sexuality, the Virgin Mary / concept of Whoredom versus Immaculate Purity, Mary Magdelene, various forms of misogyny in various cultures such as clitoral circumcision, exclusion of women from equal education, Witch Trials, and so on, wouldn’t have been so fervently embraced by the patriarchal powers that be over the centuries, all to keep Girls from being Women. So more women should really get to grips with the difference in power a Woman yields, versus the perhaps small scale thinking of the supposed “freedom of being let off or excused” that being a ickle, squeaky voiced, hair twirling, naive Girl provides for a hot, wrinkle free, minute. I mean, how much do you plan to fuck up to make that worth it? Woman up. Oh and to both sexes, generally speaking, that may include you choosing an equal as a “partner”.. As behind every great woman/man, I quite doubt there is a cub half their age.
That’s called “bit on the side”.. and for the record, I am absolutely all for that.
